Happy New Year from the One-Eyed Laser Monkey

Electronic Arts Cheat

From tonight's family time/diversion:


Santa brought the Family Monopoly on the Wii. A lot of fun with a few minor exceptions (there's no way to turn off the grating soundtrack and even more grating Pennybags character). On the back of the booklet EA bribes you to register the game online with the allure of an exclusive cheat code or hint specifically for the game if you register. Here's a pic:






So I registered online. It was easy. It was fast. It was definitely not worth it. They got my email address and some other info and when I registered the game, I got a big white screen that said "Thanks". Nothing in my account, no link to my "exclusive" content. Nothing.


So while "EA" and "cheat" go together well, I wouldn't waste your time with the online registration.


Now if you'll excuse me, a blank page is once again calling my name.

Current Project

I present to you a clear view of how things are coming along with the story I am currently working on. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so if you get a thousand from it (or hell, even a hundred would help), please jot them down and send them to me at deverswrites@gmail.com. You could even drop them in the comments.

Thanks for your contribution!

My Movie Pitch

The time is right. I can feel it in the air. Sometimes ideas are out there floating in the ether, ripe to be plucked by those gifted enough to see them. I harvested this one late last night. A fit of sleeplessness found me watching hours and hours of Nick at Nite until eventually I dozed off. The following came to me in a dream.

Sean Connery is the leader of an elite group of adventurers that find themselves stranded on a mysterious tropical island. Tom Hanks is the brilliant scientist, determined to get them home safely.

The financier of this group, the multi-millionaire (played by Oprah Winfrey) accompanied this journey as a get-away with her gold-digging husband (played by Dave Chappelle). They try their best to enjoy their luxurious lifestyle while the others work hard to get them back home. Major tension possibilities here.

Another member of the crew is a plucky farm girl who provides the street-smarts that Tom Hanks's character lacks. She'll be played by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Also along, for some reason (it did come to me in a dream) is a glamorous movie star. It was Gillian Anderson in my dream so we'll go with that.

But the main character I have saved for last. The audience can't figure out if he's the good guy or a villain (and I'm not going to give it away here!). He ruins all of their escape plans, but then always rallies to save the day in other ways. He's Connery's first officer and the star of the show. Ladies and gentlemen - Adam Sandler.

I think this will be a blockbuster that will make people forget about Titanic AND the Godfather. It's gonna be huge.

As I'm not a multi-millionaire, I plan to finance the movie by winning Mega-Millions. I have to wait for it to get up to around $240 million again as I'll need over $100 million in cash value to make it properly. I can't afford to win it when it's only at $80 million or so. This isn't some low-budget Fox Searchlight film after all!

Of course, if some mogul out there reads this and, once they figure out what I'm all about, they beg to invest in the project, who am I not say no?

I do have a plan B as well. If I haven't won Mega-Millions after a year, I'll start selling advance tickets to the film for $10 each and then use the proceeds from the advance sales to create the film.

I can't wait for that first day when I'm wearing the funny balloon pants that only come down past your knees and I yell "Action" into the megaphone for the first time. I hope someone brings a camera. I'd like a photo of it.

Auto Bailout Simplified

There's No Crying In Baseball

But don't tell that to the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles.

After posting the best record in the major leagues for the 2008 campaign, the Angels were dispatched in the ALDS by the Red Sox in four games. Which was actually an improvement for the Angels, having been swept out of the first round in their previous two matchups with the Sox. This fact offered little solace to the Angels.

"I want to throw somebody through a wall", said head Angel crybaby John Lackey after being outpitched by Boston starter Jon Lester for the second time in the series. Between sessions of pouting and throwing things, Lackey offered further analysis. "They score on a broken-bat ground ball and a fly ball anywhere else in America [except in Fenway Park]. And [Pedroia's] fist-pumping on second like he did something great." When reminded that his opponent pitched in the same ballpark and didn't allow any runs Lackey threw himself on the ground and began to kick and scream that it wasn't fair.

Veteran crybaby Garrett Anderson had little to say after the game, but replays clearly show that he did not take a called strike throughout the entire series that was legitimate. Several NBA players were quoted as saying they were taking notes from Anderson on how to react to fouls called against them for the upcoming season.

Later, Lackey volunteered more opinions. "We are way better than they are. We lost to a team not as good as us." Actual statistical analysis of the two teams' 2008 seasons paints a different picture. As does the result of the series. Despite this, last reports had John Lackey's mom calling commissioner Bud Selig and demanding a "do-over".

We'll keep you posted.

$2500 worth of equipment

So the bailout passed. My share of the bill is $2500. I plan on visiting a local branch of one of the Wall Street firms and collecting $2500 worth of equipment. It's only fair as I paid for it. Please join me in visiting a branch yourself and collecting what you have paid for and what is rightfully yours.

Actually, the more that I think about it, I may get $1250 from a Wall Street firm and $1250 from Lamar Smith, as he voted for the bailout despite the over-whelming objections of his constituents.

Second Chance for the CHB

Dan Shaughnessy (aka - the Curly Headed Bastard) had a live chat today on the Boston Globe website. I got in too late for them to consider my question, so I'll post it here and maybe he'll stumble upon it and answer in the comments:

"Dan, do you enjoy your reputation as the sports equivalent of Ann Coulter?"

Bring your teaspoon. We're going to the ocean!

President Bush said today that failure to move on the bailout will "inflict painful and lasting damage". We should all listen to him. After all, if there's ever been an expert on inflicting "painful and lasting damage" to the United States, he's it.

Stephen Merchant Enters Charles Nelson Reilly Phase

BREAKING NEWS: Stephen Merchant, long time comedy partner of Ricky Gervais, is using the occasion of a new series of The Ricky Gervais Show to begin what he is calling his "Charles Nelson Reilly Phase". The first hints of which can be seen in this photo, being used in advance promotion for Series 4.



According to Mr. Merchant's publicist, as the leaves of summer drift from green to shades of red and gold, so too will Merchant's look drift more towards that of the popular Match Game PM panelist, Reilly. Merchant's hat will slide more to the right (his right, not ours) until it gracefully drops to the ground. The eyeglasses will become larger and more square, and the ascot will become more pronounced. When asked if his gangly height would detract from the look, Merchant mumbled something about Dumb Donald and Brett Somers before ducking into a broom closet.

More details to come.

I have a big "but" problem

No amount of exercise is going to fix this.

In reading through the previous days work in order to launch into the new material, I found that I had been unable to get through a single paragraph without at least one "but" sentence. The stinkiest weed was one paragraph consisting of three sentences constructed as "here's one point, but here's the counterpoint." Blech!

I recently read a query critique where the agent said something along the lines of "was there a big box of 'so', 'but', and 'however' on sale?". It stings a little to discover I'm less creative than that. At least the query person had some chocolate and strawberry to go along with their vanilla.

I suppose it was a crutch I was unaware I relied on so heavily. Being aware has improved my subsequent writing, and now every "but"-constructed sentence screams out at me from the page as if it were written in red.

I make it a point not to revise the WIP until the first draft is complete, and I'm sticking to it. There may be a yellow legal pad somewhere in my office that has "Revision List" scribbled at the top and "fix yer buts" scrawled below it, but that's not really the same is it?

Dammit! I did it again.

Word of the Weekend

Quell

They quelled potential lawsuits both outside and inside of the department with an equal amount of skill, but an unequal amount of patience.

1. to suppress; put an end to; extinguish.
2. to vanquish; subdue.
3. to quiet or allay (emotions, anxieties, etc.).

Racking Up Points

It's been vacation week for the Devers Family. I came back from it a little early, due in large part to the Relentless Pursuit of Futility (see below). As one of the editors, the wife understands and that's what really matters.

Speaking of my bride, here is what I've seen of her all week:



You'll notice a large body of water in the background (locals call it "Gulf of Mexico"). We were in Port Aransas at the beach for the first half of the week. I'm not a beach guy. Or a mountain guy. I grew up in Enid, Oklahoma, so I prefer a nice, flat plain. If wheat blows softly in the wind, all the better.

The bride has been trying to talk me into taking a family vacation to the beach for years and I finally relented. I have to admit (but don't tell her), I liked it. I even made some progress on the WIP. I would not be opposed to going back in a couple of years, if we can stay in the same place. And as long as there's a Vegas trip between the two.

My wife concludes the vacation tomorrow with the little Devers at our local water park, which means she'll be exposed to some serious pockets of humanity. She goes forewarned.

The Relentless Pursuit of Futility

Didn't we just put out an issue?

Deadlines for the next issue of the magazine loom already. They are flippin' relentless. And when the next issue is complete, we have two sets of even tighter deadlines to close out the year. But why panic about that now, when I can panic about the Aug/Sep issue?

I'm looking forward to the Feb/Mar '09 issue. I feel pretty good about my chances of hitting that deadline. For now.

Word of the Weekend

Churlish

His churlish behavior made life difficult for the ladies of Human Resources.

Update

Today happened. Rumor has it that Monday has been scheduled with very little chance of cancellation. Either way, I’m not getting dressed up.

Raising A Reader

This is my son's favorite place to read a book. When we're not home and he wants to read he searches for a box he can use as a substitute. Might be a little more difficult for him at 30, but I don't judge. As long as he reads.

I did an informal survey of some of the staff here earlier this week. I asked them when was the last time they went to a store and bought a book to read for enjoyment, not for class (a lot of college students work here). Here are the three answers:

1. "Last week. I didn't go to a store, but I ordered two books on line."

2. "January or February. I got some books about the music industry."

3. "Oh my God, never! I hate reading."

Those answers are in descending order by age. I'm a little frightened.

Pick One

I spent today staring at my computer and my calendar trying to decide which of 100 small fires I should put out first. Not very productive. Late this afternoon I decided to start with the one burning in the closest proximity. After dousing my right arm in water I moved on to fire #2.

I've been working on the railroad...

We're already making great progress on the next issue of the magazine, and on Wednesday a meeting is scheduled to check progress and compare notes on our special year-end issue. There's one issue between those two, but I'm sure that one will print itself.

Last week I had the opportunity to interview Heather Morgan. She grew up in Texas and did the singer-songwriter thing here before moving to Nashville to pursue songwriting full time. She's in the last year of a multi-year deal with Warner-Chappell and has hit her groove, starting to score lots of cuts.

The plan is to format the story in Q&A style and try to capture the good side of Nashville. Folks here in Texas are fond of running down the Nashville machine (and vice-versa, to be honest). I look forward to exposing the good side of Music City.

The fact that the interview serves a dual purpose - interview for the magazine and research for the WIP - is pure gravy.

A Good Day

I felt very "writeresque" yesterday. I received more positive comments than I could have expected from my first CP along with two good suggestions. I skimped on the character description, and she noticed. She also caught a ham-handed line that was easily corrected.

I started back to work on my WIP yesterday and had the best day that I've had in a while on that. The story has picked up some steam and I'm anxious to get each new scene rolling.

Before starting on my WIP, I spent a good deal of time on the outline, character arcs, timelines, and miscellaneous notes. Since finishing the first handful of pages, I've rarely had to go back and reference any of that again. The process of organizing all of the information on paper seems to have had the side benefit of organizing it all in my head as well. All the same, I'm glad there's a paper copy. The data storage facility inside my skull has an erratic track record.

Revision Complete

The first revision of my short story is complete and in the hands of my primary CP. It took a little longer than I would have thought for less than 8,000 words.

I was amazed at the big stuff (two paragraphs condensed into one and re-written in a way that conveyed more information) and the little stuff (several spots where I "thought" a word, but forgot to type it).

It was a nice break away from the WIP novel. As soon as I handed the revised draft off, the characters from the WIP started shouting their ideas at me. Some of them were helpful, but one character is not happy at all with the way she's being portrayed. I'll be sure to include what a whiny baby she is in an upcoming chapter. She'll dig that.

More Revision Day

I'm still working on the second pass through. One section required triage. It was upgraded from revision to re-write. I wanted to reinforce the theme that emerged from the story.

The revised product won't be ready for my critique peoples as soon as I wanted, but that's okay if I'm handing them a stronger story to begin with. Right? Anyone?

Fine. Time to go to my happy place.

Revision Day!

For the most part, I read and follow instructions. So when Professor King told me to put my finished story in a drawer, set a reminder for six weeks, and not think about it again; I did as instructed.

Yesterday my timer dinged on the short story I finished six weeks ago. I started my revisions last night. I did one read through for general purposes ("why did I use that word?", "that sentence is a word salad", "a whole paragraph of pronouns - yuck!", etc.) and then I started a read through with the intent of removing each and every word that wasn't absolutely vital. I hope to finish that tonight.

My next read through will be to look for five little words that sprout like dandelions in my writing. I'm going to mow those pernicious parasites down. (Maybe I should look for clumsy alliterations after that. Nah, not necessarily needed)

How to publish a magazine

#1. Acquire an existing publication.

#2. Put out the next issue.

#3. Learn from your many, many mistakes.

#4. Have something of little value close by to destroy when #3 happens.

#5. Go back to #2 and repeat.

Monthly words

9,000 words in my first month of work on the novel WIP. Ugh. I need to pick up the pace. I'm sure I'll write much faster now that summer is here. Something else that would help is if TNT would cut down on the Law & Order marathons. Damn Briscoe & Green (and Logan and Fontana and Lupo). Not Curtis so much though. I can skip those episodes.

Words

It's been a while since I updated the words-a-day tracking. 11 days ago was my last update and in that time I've managed 2,938 words. That's 267 a day. Disappointingly low, but still an improvement. Which is a disappointment in and of itself. And around and round we go!

Put to Bed

All of my assignments are turned in, the headlines are written, and the "pretty" has been added. The next issue of the magazine has been put to bed and tucked in.

Here is a low-res of the cover (the thin boxes around the text won't be visible in the high-res file).

Hello, you

A wonderful character popped into my head last night as I was showering and insisted on some "page time" in the WIP novel. When I told him that he'd come to a ghastly end during the last few chapters, he said he didn't mind as long as he had a few nice scenes along the way. His intro scene, description, and farewell scene are already written. It was so productive I've decided to shower every day!

My favorite "hello, you" scene.

Insight

I am a good writer.

I am a lousy hack.

I believe both of these statements to be true and not mutually exclusive.

Working on the Craft: Jon Lester Throws a No-Hitter

"It is better to be lucky. But I would rather be exact. Then when luck comes you are ready."

~ The Old Man and the Sea
~ Ernest Hemingway


The crossroads of exactness and luck were found at the corner of Van Ness and Yawkey Way this evening as Jon Lester became the first left-handed pitcher to throw a no-hitter for the Boston Red Sox in over half a century.

To throw a no-hitter involves a healthy dose of luck, as they are usually accompanied by at least one tremendous play on defense. This evening's highlight reel play was provided early in the game as center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury made a diving catch of a line drive by Jose Guillen of the Kansas City Royals. But stunning defensive plays are turned in regularly across a night's schedule of major league games while a no-hitter tends to be an annual event at best. So while a no-hitter may contain a dose of luck, the remainder of the recipe calls for exactness.

Jon Lester, cancer survivor (and pitcher)

Jon Lester was drafted in the second round of the 2002 MLB draft by the Boston Red Sox. He progressed through the Red Sox minor league system in impressive fashion and made his major league debut in 2006 on June 10th in a start against the Texas Rangers. He struggled, throwing 102 pitches and not making it out of the fifth inning, and the Red Sox lost the game. He then reeled off five wins in a row, culminating in an 8 inning, 1 hit gem against the Kansas City Royals.

As the season wore on he began to feel discomfort in his back, originally attributing it to the grind of baseball's grueling season. After being rear-ended on his way to Fenway Park on August 18th, Lester's back became even more problematic. He made his last start of 2006 on August 24th and on the following weekend visited his doctor in Seattle where, at the age of 22, he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Baseball took a back seat to survival for close to a year as the pitcher went through several rounds of chemotherapy before being declared cancer-free and then began a tedious rehab program to rebuild his strength. He returned to action in a start against the Cleveland Indians on July 23rd of 2007 (earning a win), but wouldn't see a regular spot in the Red Sox rotation until September. As the Red Sox progressed in the playoffs last season, Lester would make key contributions, appearing in relief in the AL Championship Series against the Indians and starting and winning the clinching game 4 of the World Series against the Colorado Rockies.

Jon Lester, pitcher (and cancer survivor)

In preparing for the 2008 season, with cancer and rebuilding from it behind him, Lester was able to focus on the craft with Red Sox pitching coach John Farrell. A key phrase in Lester's early career was "pitch efficiency". He would often find himself unable to make it through the sixth inning of a start as in the course of his attack of the hitters, too many of his bullets found their way outside of the strike zone.

Another aspect that Lester and Farrell (and catcher Jason Varitek) would examine was his pace. They felt Lester was delaying too much between pitches and that by quickening the pace, hitters would be more on their heels and the defense behind him sharper.

Lester also found himself during the off-season to be the center of trade speculation concerning a proposed deal between the Red Sox and the Minnesota Twins for pitcher Johan Santana. ESPN Magazine quoted an anonymous AL scout as saying "Jon Lester is a back-of-the-rotation guy. If he was the difference between getting Johna Santana or not, they made a mistake."

Jon Lester ignored the speculation and focused instead on his craft - increasing his velocity and command back to his pre-cancer levels and incorporating the advice from John Farrell.

Signs of Lester's focus and effort would be seen in his April 29th start against Toronto. Working at a quickened pace and firing first-pitch strikes to 15 of 27 batters, Lester threw 8 innings allowing only 1 hit.

On May 19th against the Kansas City Royals, Jon Lester would put all the pieces together and earn an honored spot in the Major League record books. Again working quickly and throwing a mix of electric fastballs and curveballs, Lester hurled first-pitch stikes to 20 of 29 batters and allowed only two base-runners the entire night, both on walks. After the final out and with the no-hitter secured, his teammates mobbed him on the field in celebration.

Jon Lester overcame tremendous obstacles to get back on the field, but once he returned he did not allow what happened to him to define him. He went to work on his craft, improving both the basics and the subtleties, working hard to be exact. And when luck turned in Jon Lester's favor, he was ready.

May 15th

456 words on the WIP novel.

I've seen some debate on other writers's blogs about "word meters". I post my manual version of the same here for myself more than anything else. It's a great motivational tool as the thought of posting a 0 is painful.

An alternative to the classic

I ran across this quote from Errol Morris. I prefer it to the original.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it without a sense of ironic futility."

May 14th

430 words on the WIP novel.

I finally turned in my review. Since there's no danger of anyone reading it, I present it here in it's entirety. Feel free to comment.

Reckless Kelly
Bulletproof

I hate to start negative here, but I have a BIG complaint about Reckless Kelly’s debut disc for Yep Roc Records, Bulletproof. Where’s the rockin’ country cover of Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man”? How did the entire Reckless Kelly team whiff on this fat pitch right down the middle of the plate? The album artwork, the success of Iron Man in theaters, the title of the CD – c’mon it’s a natural! And the marketing tie-ins would be legion.

All right, marketing possibilities are probably not a concern for this group of Texans (some by way of Idaho) when it comes to deciding which songs make the cut and which songs don’t. The truth is there are no covers of any kind on this record. Every tune was written by vocalist Willy Braun with a few assists from Robert Earl Keen, Dustin Welch, and brother Micky Braun.

Turning my attention to the songs that do appear on the disc – I can think of no better compliment than to say it’s a Reckless Kelly record. One of the qualities that has set this quintet apart over the years is their remarkable consistency. Reckless Kelly delivers a dynamic live show and – unlike many others – they have no problem capturing the same vibe and raw energy on their studio efforts.

I’ve heard my share (and yours too – trust me) of bands singing about life on the road. With a studio record titled Wicked, Twisted Road, this is hardly new ground for Reckless Kelly either. Yet somehow the band brought a fresh approach and sound to “Ragged As The Road”, the track that kicks off Bulletproof and one of the standout songs on the disc. Other highlights on the record include “You Don’t Have To Stay Forever”, “One False Move”, and “Don’t Say Goodbye”.

A personal favorite on the CD is “How Was California?”. The singer asks a friend how their trip to California (and Austin and New York City) went, though he already knows the answer. No matter how exciting the destination, when the company you can’t escape – yourself – is miserable, the outcome is predetermined.

“American Blood”, Willy Braun’s attempt at his own melodic Jerilderie Letter (a protest letter penned by the band’s namesake), is already receiving attention. The song takes the viewpoint of one soldier’s journey through Iraq, and questions – legitimately, in this reviewer’s opinion – the sacrifice of the many for the profits of the few. Willy has already written a disclaimer that appears on the band’s website. Unfortunate that he feels it’s necessary, but such are the times in which we live. With a brother who has been through two tours in Afghanistan and three tours in Iraq and no guarantees he won’t be back for more, I can appreciate the song on a couple of levels – one for the message, but also because it’s a great tune. If it were a throwaway I doubt it would be generating as much interest, but as it stands, this is a song that you’ll hear more than once on the radio this summer.

The one misfire on the record is “God Forsaken Town”, an acoustic ode to New Orleans and the victims of Hurricane Katrina. While the band saved themselves from cliché on the aforementioned “Ragged As The Road” they fell short of the mark on this one, despite the excellent work of Ephraim Owens on trumpet.

Longtime record executive Bill Straw once told me that solo artists come and go every day, but when you find a great band, then you really have something. Experience has shown me the truth of this statement. When the right group of musicians comes together, something magical happens – a whole emerges far greater than the sum of the individual parts. Bulletproof captures just that. The disc documents a great band still on an upward swing. As far as that “Iron Man” cover goes – I can wait for the next live album.

Character Voice

0 words today on my WIP novel. There was a Law & Order marathon on TNT (please tell me you saw that one coming).

The truth is my next paragraph in the book introduces a major supporting character. I had a good idea of her voice, but I spent a lot of my writing time today refining it. Now I can hear her in my head as clear as a bell. All of her habits and mannerisms are well-defined. I'm sure as we progress through the book she'll let me know where I didn't get it quite right, but the foundation is solid.

I do this because it annoys me to no end to read a book where everyone speaks with the same voice. I do not want to create a world where everyone says "to-may-to" and no one says "to-mah-to".

I also finally figured out the hook to get into the CD review that remains overdue at the day job. It should be finished before noon tomorrow. Only two days late. Or three. Who's counting?

May 12th

236 words today on the WIP novel.

Past deadline on the CD review. I've been driving all over the city looking for it with no idea where I'm going. Today I think I found the neighborhood. Tomorrow I hope I can find the driveway and pull it into the house. Otherwise, the day gig might become the previous day gig.

May 11th

604 words today on the WIP novel.

I may not have made much progress on the WIP last week, but I did get two solid ideas for my next short story.

Life Wins This Round

This past week saw little progress on my novel WIP. Home life and the day job threw up some substantial obstacles.

On Tuesday, my wife had a tonsillectomy. No big deal for a teenager, but my bride is in her early thirties. As a result I was chosen this week for the roles of dad, mom, and nursemaid. The costume changes were brutal.

On the day job side of the ledger, I had three different assignments due. A 3000 word article, a 750 word article, and a 500 word CD review. I finished the first two and can't find a hook for the third.

Overall, I hate excuses. When you allow even a legitimate one through, then it makes it easier for lesser excuses to get through until you're at the point of saying "I couldn't get any writing done yesterday because there was a Law & Order marathon on TNT."

So though Life won out last week, I didn't make much progress on the novel WIP because I didn't make time for it. I'm not going to beat myself up about it (more), but even 100 words a day would have been something.

May 5th

480 words today on the WIP novel.

Welcome to Devers Writes

I hope this blog doesn't suck (see Sturgeon's Law). Anything beyond that is pure gravy.