Thatectomy

A hearty round of edits on my latest writing project uncovered a new word for my Dead Word Wall. The funeral for "that" commences at 10am tomorrow. His surviving family ("this" and "other") have asked for donations to wikipedia.org in lieu of flowers.

Once again, I cry for help

I realized while writing today that the English language is missing a word. More than one actually, but for right now there's a particular one I'm focused on.

The word I'm looking for would mean "ultimately correct", as in, you could not possibly be more right about something; more pure than Ivory soap in your accuracy.

Make your suggestions in the comments. The winner will receive a dictionary autographed by Todd Snider. He's never at a loss for words.

How To Survive the Economic Crisis

According to Oxford University, playing Tetris immediately after a traumatic event helps the brain block the storage of painful memories and significally reduces flashbacks in the weeks following the traumatic event.

So keep a copy of Tetris handy, and on every day that the Dow drops more than 100 points, take a 30 minute dose of Tetris and call your broker in the morning.

Welcome 2009!

The first day of a new year. Feels fresh. Feels exciting. Feels about 15 pounds heavier than the first day of 2008.

As with all January 1st posts, as regulated by the Blogger By-laws, here are my New Year's resolutions. I always pick three, because... well, you know.

1. Lose weight/get healthier
2. Take complete control of our family's financial situation
3. Write more

Number one was well under way, and then my bride made blueberry muffins for breakfast. But tomorrow, I'll start. Really. I even downloaded an app for my iPhone to make it apparent in pretty flashing lights and graphics how I'm progressing towards my goal.

I am happy to say that I started on #2 in December and have been looking forward to today as the official start of my new obsessive-compulsive, miserly ways. With apologies to Paulson and ZimbabweBen, the Devers Family will not be adding much liquidity to the market in 2009.

Which brings us to number three. I originally had it as "Write more fiction", but I think the simple "Write more" is better.

2008 was a good new beginning with writing for me. I started and finished an 8,000+ word short story and built a detailed outline for my current WIP. On that, I breezed through the first fifty pages before hitting a major roadblock. A conversation between two people had to take place and I didn't know how to get into it or how the protagonist could possibly defend his position. The cursor sat on the same spot on the screen for five months until I read Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird. Through the book Ms. Lamott gave me permission to write a really shitty first draft and that got me up and running again.

Along with all of the fiction work I also wrote several non-fiction pieces throughout the year for our magazine. I would really like to get a piece published in another magazine (where I'm not also the editor) some time in 2009. That goal may be a tough one with people proclaiming the death of the industry and titles that have been institutions for decades feeling the crunch. Nevertheless, I have some ideas to pitch once I finish my Gourds feature.

Those of you reading this who have experience as writers might feel inclined to say that Resolutions #2 and #3 are mutually exclusive. I'll post my reply to that later, as it's now lunch time and I need to heat up some leftover pizza.

Happy New Year from the One-Eyed Laser Monkey

Electronic Arts Cheat

From tonight's family time/diversion:


Santa brought the Family Monopoly on the Wii. A lot of fun with a few minor exceptions (there's no way to turn off the grating soundtrack and even more grating Pennybags character). On the back of the booklet EA bribes you to register the game online with the allure of an exclusive cheat code or hint specifically for the game if you register. Here's a pic:






So I registered online. It was easy. It was fast. It was definitely not worth it. They got my email address and some other info and when I registered the game, I got a big white screen that said "Thanks". Nothing in my account, no link to my "exclusive" content. Nothing.


So while "EA" and "cheat" go together well, I wouldn't waste your time with the online registration.


Now if you'll excuse me, a blank page is once again calling my name.

Current Project

I present to you a clear view of how things are coming along with the story I am currently working on. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so if you get a thousand from it (or hell, even a hundred would help), please jot them down and send them to me at deverswrites@gmail.com. You could even drop them in the comments.

Thanks for your contribution!

My Movie Pitch

The time is right. I can feel it in the air. Sometimes ideas are out there floating in the ether, ripe to be plucked by those gifted enough to see them. I harvested this one late last night. A fit of sleeplessness found me watching hours and hours of Nick at Nite until eventually I dozed off. The following came to me in a dream.

Sean Connery is the leader of an elite group of adventurers that find themselves stranded on a mysterious tropical island. Tom Hanks is the brilliant scientist, determined to get them home safely.

The financier of this group, the multi-millionaire (played by Oprah Winfrey) accompanied this journey as a get-away with her gold-digging husband (played by Dave Chappelle). They try their best to enjoy their luxurious lifestyle while the others work hard to get them back home. Major tension possibilities here.

Another member of the crew is a plucky farm girl who provides the street-smarts that Tom Hanks's character lacks. She'll be played by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Also along, for some reason (it did come to me in a dream) is a glamorous movie star. It was Gillian Anderson in my dream so we'll go with that.

But the main character I have saved for last. The audience can't figure out if he's the good guy or a villain (and I'm not going to give it away here!). He ruins all of their escape plans, but then always rallies to save the day in other ways. He's Connery's first officer and the star of the show. Ladies and gentlemen - Adam Sandler.

I think this will be a blockbuster that will make people forget about Titanic AND the Godfather. It's gonna be huge.

As I'm not a multi-millionaire, I plan to finance the movie by winning Mega-Millions. I have to wait for it to get up to around $240 million again as I'll need over $100 million in cash value to make it properly. I can't afford to win it when it's only at $80 million or so. This isn't some low-budget Fox Searchlight film after all!

Of course, if some mogul out there reads this and, once they figure out what I'm all about, they beg to invest in the project, who am I not say no?

I do have a plan B as well. If I haven't won Mega-Millions after a year, I'll start selling advance tickets to the film for $10 each and then use the proceeds from the advance sales to create the film.

I can't wait for that first day when I'm wearing the funny balloon pants that only come down past your knees and I yell "Action" into the megaphone for the first time. I hope someone brings a camera. I'd like a photo of it.

Auto Bailout Simplified

There's No Crying In Baseball

But don't tell that to the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles.

After posting the best record in the major leagues for the 2008 campaign, the Angels were dispatched in the ALDS by the Red Sox in four games. Which was actually an improvement for the Angels, having been swept out of the first round in their previous two matchups with the Sox. This fact offered little solace to the Angels.

"I want to throw somebody through a wall", said head Angel crybaby John Lackey after being outpitched by Boston starter Jon Lester for the second time in the series. Between sessions of pouting and throwing things, Lackey offered further analysis. "They score on a broken-bat ground ball and a fly ball anywhere else in America [except in Fenway Park]. And [Pedroia's] fist-pumping on second like he did something great." When reminded that his opponent pitched in the same ballpark and didn't allow any runs Lackey threw himself on the ground and began to kick and scream that it wasn't fair.

Veteran crybaby Garrett Anderson had little to say after the game, but replays clearly show that he did not take a called strike throughout the entire series that was legitimate. Several NBA players were quoted as saying they were taking notes from Anderson on how to react to fouls called against them for the upcoming season.

Later, Lackey volunteered more opinions. "We are way better than they are. We lost to a team not as good as us." Actual statistical analysis of the two teams' 2008 seasons paints a different picture. As does the result of the series. Despite this, last reports had John Lackey's mom calling commissioner Bud Selig and demanding a "do-over".

We'll keep you posted.

$2500 worth of equipment

So the bailout passed. My share of the bill is $2500. I plan on visiting a local branch of one of the Wall Street firms and collecting $2500 worth of equipment. It's only fair as I paid for it. Please join me in visiting a branch yourself and collecting what you have paid for and what is rightfully yours.

Actually, the more that I think about it, I may get $1250 from a Wall Street firm and $1250 from Lamar Smith, as he voted for the bailout despite the over-whelming objections of his constituents.

Second Chance for the CHB

Dan Shaughnessy (aka - the Curly Headed Bastard) had a live chat today on the Boston Globe website. I got in too late for them to consider my question, so I'll post it here and maybe he'll stumble upon it and answer in the comments:

"Dan, do you enjoy your reputation as the sports equivalent of Ann Coulter?"

Bring your teaspoon. We're going to the ocean!

President Bush said today that failure to move on the bailout will "inflict painful and lasting damage". We should all listen to him. After all, if there's ever been an expert on inflicting "painful and lasting damage" to the United States, he's it.

Stephen Merchant Enters Charles Nelson Reilly Phase

BREAKING NEWS: Stephen Merchant, long time comedy partner of Ricky Gervais, is using the occasion of a new series of The Ricky Gervais Show to begin what he is calling his "Charles Nelson Reilly Phase". The first hints of which can be seen in this photo, being used in advance promotion for Series 4.



According to Mr. Merchant's publicist, as the leaves of summer drift from green to shades of red and gold, so too will Merchant's look drift more towards that of the popular Match Game PM panelist, Reilly. Merchant's hat will slide more to the right (his right, not ours) until it gracefully drops to the ground. The eyeglasses will become larger and more square, and the ascot will become more pronounced. When asked if his gangly height would detract from the look, Merchant mumbled something about Dumb Donald and Brett Somers before ducking into a broom closet.

More details to come.

I have a big "but" problem

No amount of exercise is going to fix this.

In reading through the previous days work in order to launch into the new material, I found that I had been unable to get through a single paragraph without at least one "but" sentence. The stinkiest weed was one paragraph consisting of three sentences constructed as "here's one point, but here's the counterpoint." Blech!

I recently read a query critique where the agent said something along the lines of "was there a big box of 'so', 'but', and 'however' on sale?". It stings a little to discover I'm less creative than that. At least the query person had some chocolate and strawberry to go along with their vanilla.

I suppose it was a crutch I was unaware I relied on so heavily. Being aware has improved my subsequent writing, and now every "but"-constructed sentence screams out at me from the page as if it were written in red.

I make it a point not to revise the WIP until the first draft is complete, and I'm sticking to it. There may be a yellow legal pad somewhere in my office that has "Revision List" scribbled at the top and "fix yer buts" scrawled below it, but that's not really the same is it?

Dammit! I did it again.

Word of the Weekend

Quell

They quelled potential lawsuits both outside and inside of the department with an equal amount of skill, but an unequal amount of patience.

1. to suppress; put an end to; extinguish.
2. to vanquish; subdue.
3. to quiet or allay (emotions, anxieties, etc.).

Racking Up Points

It's been vacation week for the Devers Family. I came back from it a little early, due in large part to the Relentless Pursuit of Futility (see below). As one of the editors, the wife understands and that's what really matters.

Speaking of my bride, here is what I've seen of her all week:



You'll notice a large body of water in the background (locals call it "Gulf of Mexico"). We were in Port Aransas at the beach for the first half of the week. I'm not a beach guy. Or a mountain guy. I grew up in Enid, Oklahoma, so I prefer a nice, flat plain. If wheat blows softly in the wind, all the better.

The bride has been trying to talk me into taking a family vacation to the beach for years and I finally relented. I have to admit (but don't tell her), I liked it. I even made some progress on the WIP. I would not be opposed to going back in a couple of years, if we can stay in the same place. And as long as there's a Vegas trip between the two.

My wife concludes the vacation tomorrow with the little Devers at our local water park, which means she'll be exposed to some serious pockets of humanity. She goes forewarned.

The Relentless Pursuit of Futility

Didn't we just put out an issue?

Deadlines for the next issue of the magazine loom already. They are flippin' relentless. And when the next issue is complete, we have two sets of even tighter deadlines to close out the year. But why panic about that now, when I can panic about the Aug/Sep issue?

I'm looking forward to the Feb/Mar '09 issue. I feel pretty good about my chances of hitting that deadline. For now.

Word of the Weekend

Churlish

His churlish behavior made life difficult for the ladies of Human Resources.

Update

Today happened. Rumor has it that Monday has been scheduled with very little chance of cancellation. Either way, I’m not getting dressed up.